the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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