So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
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Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
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Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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