i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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