clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
