I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Randomize
