I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
