I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Ladies don't puke and tell
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
