I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
