I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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