I accidentally burped into my bong.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
