He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
