Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
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