it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
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