So drunk, too bad you don't want this
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
