I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
