Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
His nipple licking is glorious
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