so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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