our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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