She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
