what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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