I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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