Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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