im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
