I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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