When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
