I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
love makes seman taste better
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
