I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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