You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
it was like eating out sand paper
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize