She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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