She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
