I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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