if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
