I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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