the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
