I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
