theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
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Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
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You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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