Pappa wants mamma naked
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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