if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
