well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
