I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
