Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
