by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
