I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
