I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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