If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
