you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
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i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
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Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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