This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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