If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
