At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's blow job season.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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