Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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