Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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