note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
