I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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