So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
