i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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