I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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